Coming Out
From Encyclopedia of Sex and Sexuality
People “come out” when they reveal facts about themselves about which they feel great sensitivity, anxiety, or shame. Most commonly, the term is used when persons reveal that they are bisexual, gay, or lesbian, but it may also be used to describe the revelation that one has AIDS or HIV infection, alcoholism, cancer, or some other medical or physical condition. There are clearly a number of levels at which one may “come out,” and it may be an ongoing, lifetime process for many individuals.
A gay man or lesbian may be so terrified of feeling attraction for members of his or her own sex, whether consciously or unconsciously, that the very recognition of these feelings may be blocked. Such a person may be uneasy, confused, flushed, or aroused around members of their sex without knowing what is causing the feelings. This is more likely to occur in an environment that holds strong negative attitudes about homosexual feelings or behaviors or among persons with no sense of the possibility of same-sex feelings. Persons who are more in touch with their feelings or with a broader set of experiences may recognize a same-sex attraction as such but not be able to admit their feelings to anyone.
Feelings and thoughts that are strong and recurrent often need to be expressed to someone. In the first stage of “coming out,” they are often told first to the target of affection or a close friend, with a sense of fear proportional to perceptions about the unacceptability of those feelings. Although some persons are truly equally attracted to men and women, an early form of confession about homosexual feelings often takes the form that one is bisexual rather than gay or lesbian, since being attracted to the opposite sex as well might be perceived as more acceptable.
Many gay men and lesbians first come out to a would-be sexual partner. If they are not rejected and have other successful experiences, over time they often gain the courage to tell family and friends about their feelings, loves, and attractions. As a final stage, a small number of homosexuals are courageous enough to openly describe their experiences to the larger community through the media or in college classes, and “come out” to the world.
Even though people may be “out” about their sexual identity, there may still be areas of one’s life and experiences that are kept carefully hidden. For example, while homosexuality may be acceptable to family, friends, and coworkers, multiple relationships may remain hidden, even from one’s doctor. As another example, fetishism or unusual expressions of sexual desire may remain “in the closet” except to a very few people.
HIV infection and AIDS are stigmatized even more than a homosexual life-style. Although there is widespread agreement that it is ethically wrong to expose others to this lethal virus and though there are ways to make sex much safer against HIV transmission, some persons with HIV infection are afraid that the admission of infection may lead to discrimination or loss of relationships.
During the 1990s a new concept of “outing”—revealing another, usually “closeted,” person’s homosexuality—has developed. For example, although the United States Department of Defense policy prohibits homosexuals from serving in the military, many have nonetheless served, hiding their identities. During the Gulf War, some activist homosexuals asked for recognition of the fact that they had fought in the war without jeopardizing the country’s military mission. When recognition was not forthcoming, homosexual organizations “outed” a prominent civilian official with the Department of Defense, who had hidden his homosexuality, pointing out that homosexuals could serve effectively in important military positions.
Should people “come out” about their feelings, behaviors, and conditions? It has been argued that remaining hidden is a heavy psychic burden. Howard Brown’s book, Familiar Faces; Hidden Lives, speaks eloquently about the difficulty of maintaining dual lives. People who have opened up to their families and friends often report that a huge weight has been lifted from their shoulders; others, however, have found that their worst fears were realized and they could no longer be in touch with family and friends. The decision to “come out” must be carefully weighed, perhaps with trusted friends and professionals.
