Date Rape

From Encyclopedia of Sex and Sexuality

Many studies now show that most rapes are, in fact, committed not by strangers, but by someone known to the victim. A recent survey of working women and college students by the University of Arizona Medical School found that more that 80 percent of female rape victims had known the person who raped them and, among college rape victims, more than half had been sexually coerced by dates. While such statistics are never absolutely reliable, there is no question that date rape (or acquaintance rape) is a growing phenomenon and a social issue that has raised a storm of controversy in the United States.

The controversy turns around a central question—in the often nonverbal sex-play between a man and a woman, what constitutes sexual consent? Some cases of acquaintance or date rape, of course, are clearly and unquestionably that—forcible rape of a victim by an acquaintance. But not all cases are so clear-cut. For every clearly violent forced rape, there are instances of what might best be called “coerced sex”—times when a man who is dating a woman, or is even in bed with a woman, feels that for a variety of reasons he can ignore her “No” to the question of intercourse and assert his manhood over her objections. Such coercion, if aggressive and physical, may become acquaintance rape. But the lines between seduction, coercion, and rape are blurred.

Men and women often have different perceptions of what constitutes agreement to have sex. When a woman shows interest in kissing and fondling, for example, a man may misinterpret her behavior to mean that she is interested in sexual intercourse. When a woman says “No,” it is very often assumed by a man to mean “maybe” and to be the beginning of a bargaining process. Similarly, if a woman agrees to go to a man’s apartment or bedroom, some men assume that it means she is willing to have sex. In reality, the woman may not be thinking this at all.

Much of today’s confusion between men and women on this issue is deeply rooted in seduction games the two sexes have played for millennia. Traditionally, men and women have not been explicit about sex. They have developed a very rich language of flirtation, sending signals to each other which are sometimes very subtle. It is not surprising that such signals often get crossed, especially when one is sexually excited and predisposed to see willingness in a potential sex partner. Many men sincerely believe that women expect them to overcome their protests—that a woman’s refusals are an essential part of a “mating game” that dictates that women must resist. A recent study corroborates this. Men and women had difficulty in agreeing as to what “No” really meant. When the woman said the man was to stop his sexual advance or she would call the police, both sexes agreed this was a strong “No.” But when the woman said, “Stop, I‘m not in the mood,” men often tended to see this as “yes.” They often read it as a request to continue their advances to try to arouse her. If a woman’s “No” is interpreted as “yes, go further, turn me on,” it is easy to see how a man’s advances may become more and more physically insistent—even rough—and cross the line from persuasion to actual rape. There is, in fact, wide agreement among researchers that men and women involved in instances of forced or coerced sex often do not realize that they have crossed the line and their encounter has met the legal definition of rape. In one revealing study, men were asked if they would force a woman to have sex if they could get away with it: nearly half said, “yes.” But when asked if they would rape a woman if they knew they could get away with it, only about 15 percent said they would.

Such problems of perception are greatly compounded when drinking or drugs are involved. Legally there is a question as to whether a woman can give consent if she is drunk. Yet, we know that many people—both men and women—deliberately use alcohol to reduce their inhibitions and routinely engage in sex while intoxicated. For sex to be truly consensual, both parties must be aware of what they are doing, and responsible for their actions. Heavy drinking can make this impossible. This is especially a dilemma on college campuses, where alarm has been expressed at the prevalence of date rape. The “fraternity house rape” is a very special college problem. The house party, with its drinking, sexual teasing, and competitiveness, may provide a social context that encourages aggressive sexual behavior. Girls who get drunk at fraternity parties may not feel they are asking for sex. Nevertheless, they should be aware that such behavior puts them in a very vulnerable position.

The biggest factors in unduly coerced sex or acquaintance rape are lack of understanding between the sexes, failure to respect the person one is with, and unwillingness to accept responsibility for one’s actions. Men must finally accept that women are not always sending out sex signals. The fact that a woman wears sexy clothes, enters a man’s room, or allows a man to kiss her does not automatically mean she is interested in intercourse. Men must understand and accept that “No” means “No” and that sex is a privilege, not an entitlement. For their part, women must understand that men cannot read their minds. A woman should know what her sexual limits are and make them very clear to the man she is with. She must also accept that it is her responsibility to take control of her own sexual safety. In real terms that means using good judgment. It is unwise for a woman to get drunk when out with a relative stranger, or to change her mind about sex in the middle of foreplay while nude in bed with a date. Yes, she has a right to change her mind. But in the heat of such a moment a man may be understood for not believing that a woman really means “No.” It is unlikely that coercive sex will ever be eliminated from our society. In a very real sense, seduction is a kind of game and the language of sex is not precise. Still, men and women can do a great deal to increase their mutual understanding and respect for one another. When sex is viewed as a shared pleasure and not a selfish act, undue coercion is unthinkable.