Flirtation
From Encyclopedia of Sex and Sexuality
Flirtation involves sexual teasing without the immediate necessity for sexual encounter. It means a great deal more to those involved in the sexual game. It is the opening move between a man and woman, indicating an availability and an interest in the possibility of a relationship. Of course, people flirt with others even when they are not available, when spouses or partners are present and they have no interest beyond demonstrating their ability to attract or enjoying an evening’s arousal. But flirtation is exciting because it declares that all kinds of possibilities are open—and sometimes it leads to relationships even if the man or woman (or both) really did not think they were available. So while it may be “a playing at courtship,” “transitory,” and “superficial,” often it is more than this. It is a bit like a dance that may (or may not) lead to a successful sexual encounter.
Most people seem to be able to flirt naturally, without a word from a sex therapist. Anyone who has observed high school girls giggling together while the boys strut and stroll past in groups has seen flirtation at work in a way that minimizes risk.
Because risk is an element in all flirtation, the high school boy who shows off his muscles as he walks by the girls, the man who catches a woman’s eye across a crowded room—all are taking the risk that there will not be a response or at least the response they want. People with problems of self-esteem or who do not rate themselves as attractive enough (and who does not have these problems at some time in life?) are often reluctant to take the risk implicit in opening a flirtation.
Happily, it is often possible to flirt without seeming to do so. That is, for the high school girl who giggles and glances admiringly at the boy who walks past, or for the man who caught a woman’s eye “across a crowded room”—if the response is chilly or rebuking, it is possible to pretend the giggle or glance never happened or were intended for someone else. Because what we fear even more than rejection is the public knowledge that we have been rejected, we can usually pretend it away. In every society there are social rules governing flirtation; they offer guidance and a certain protection too, but the risk-taking remains.
For all these reasons, people, especially young people, often feel anxious when they are trying to decide whether they have the courage to make that first move. Dr. Ruth has told patients that it is a little like being a turtle. If a turtle wants to be safe and not be hurt, then it is not moving forward and nothing ever happens. As soon as a turtle wants to move, it has to stick its neck out. The same with flirtation. If someone wants a new experience, they have to stick their neck out and take the risk of being rebuked. But even if they are hurt it is not going to be fatal and they can try again and in different ways. Sometimes flirtation can be tried in an intellectual conversation; with the right person or people it can be very exciting sexually. I have seen wonderful flirtations take place between people pretending to be looking at paintings in museums. In fact, the possibilities are endless.
