Lack of Sexual Interest
From Encyclopedia of Sex and Sexuality
Letters received by the “Dr. Ruth” radio and TV shows and newspaper columns show that a lack of sexual desire is one of the most frequent complaints of people writing about sexual dysfunction. Almost one quarter (24 percent) of all people reporting a sexual problem mentioned lack of sexual desire—and this was equally divided between men and women.
In the past medical professionals often assumed (erroneously) that all men had a “naturally” strong libido, or urge to have sex, while women had to be aroused during loving foreplay. Women’s lack of desire was thought to be the result of incompetent lovemaking, especially during foreplay, by their male partners.
Modern studies have found, however, that sexual desire is the natural outcome of one’s interest in sex. Sexual desire, just like interest, may precede any kind of physical or psychological stimulation. In the vernacular, people use the term “horny” to mean a state of strong and sustained sexual desire. It is that inner sexual feeling that does not need erotic stimulation and upon which further sexual stimulation then builds. Sexual desire can be worked on and acted upon through sensuous stimulation and erotic behavior alone. But, if one neither has nor recognizes this inner urge to have sex, one can usually be stimulated physically to this point—and sometimes one can be stimulated mentally or by a romantic mood.
The sex manuals of yesteryear were well intentioned and romantic in orientation, but not very knowledgeable about the workings of sexual desire. The research of Masters and Johnson, and Helen Singer Kaplan revolutionized our thinking about sex. We now know that all too many men and women deprive themselves of the pleasures of a loving sexual relationship, even within marriage, because they are “just not interested” in sex. That is, they prefer not to do anything about sex, or even to think about it.
What is meant by “lack of sexual desire”? Some people think it describes a woman or a man who experiences no orgasm or even sexual excitement after stimulation from a sexual partner or through masturbation. But that is not what is meant, because lack of desire may be an ordinary condition for many people before sexual interaction and arousal.
Do not confuse a lack of orgasmic response with a lack of sexual desire. When one has no interest in sex at all, one does not put one’s self in a position where one has to behave sexually. If persons have some interest, but very little desire, they may act very passively, waiting until their partners take the initiative.
Some researchers suggest that at least for women, a lack of desire is the result of the way they were raised. They were taught to suppress their sexual feelings until “aroused” by a man. The paradox is that some women complain of a lack of sexual desire but are easily able to reach orgasm, while other women with a great deal of sexual interest and desire are nonorgasmic.
Sex therapists frequently see cases in which women have married because it was the right time or because the men they were dating seemed potentially good husbands and fathers. They knew that they were expected to have intercourse, and though they had no desire for sex, they knew it would create conflict if they did not carry out their part of the marital contract. So they went through the motions without enjoying it. This does not mean that they did not care for or love their husbands, but the element of passion was missing. They did not want to risk ruining their marriages by confronting their feelings.
In some cases, a lack of desire is “situational.” This is most often found among those who profess to have no real desire for sex, yet can respond and even have orgasms upon stimulation. If a partner initiates sex, such a person is responsive, but if no sex is initiated they will be just as content. These are “situational,” because some outside factor is interfering with the innate desire for sex. If this situation were altered to remove the interfering factor, the client would more readily perceive that he or she does indeed have a desire for sex, perhaps even a very strong desire. One fairly common cause is an unrecognized anger that a person may have for their partner and which they take to bed with them. However, in some cases, a woman’s sexual desire may fluctuate with hormonal influences during her menstrual phases.
There are many other situations that may result in lowered or even blocked libido, sexual desire, or performance. Some of them are: stress in work, family, and money matters; a fear of pregnancy; problems with a partner’s appearance or sexual behavior; alcohol and drug use; sexual abuse as a child or adult; a poor self-image; or a general fear of sex or the sexual organs. Sexual desire is neither present nor absent—it is a matter of degree. Look at it as if it were on a scale of one to ten. There is no way to tell if someone is a ten or an eight or a one. It is only a relative indicator by which you can try to measure how often and how intensely one thinks about sex and acts upon these thoughts. Can one move up the sexual desire quotient from a three to a seven? Most sex therapists believe this can be achieved by developing more erotic attitudes along with healthy self-esteem.
